Keeping the Fire

Two weekends ago, I attended the first ever California Women of Color Herbal Symposium.  My first impulse was to come home and blog about it right away. But then I thought, "Let me just sit back a minute and let it sink in".  So often, we as people will experience something wondrous, and immediately declare it life changing, only to find that a few days later, it was not.  Within a short period of time we are back to our old patterns.

At the symposium, I was able to get back to some things I have loved and really missed doing. To study plant medicine, exchange knowledge and give thanks for all the beauty that surrounds me.  To sit in complete silence by a river. Something I haven't really done since I was a teen.  To be with people who get this journey I'm on, without having to explain myself or apologize for being who I am. Through the Rite of the Womb, led by Melbra Watts, to be able to contemplate what I want in my life and what I don't.  There at the river I experienced the freedom to let go of what was no longer serving me.  

Prior to the retreat I had a pretty healthy diet which I already begun to transform even further to suit my needs.  The meals at the symposium were amazingly delicious, vegetarian and sometimes vegan meals, exclusively, and really showed me what I had forgotten was possible.

Immediately upon returning home, I experienced a transformation in my relationships with my husband and son, quite to their delight, I might add.  Creatively, I found myself inspired and my mind inundated with fresh ideas. In the back of my mind, though, was a slight fear of losing this feeling. The threat of returning to the status quo. I have decided, however, that this doesn't need to happen. I also thought for this blog entry, that rather than rehash in detail what I experienced at the herbal symposium, it would be more helpful to talk about how I am keeping my momentum.

The main thing I am doing when the temptation arises to fall into old habits with family, is remember what it felt like to see their faces when I shifted from criticism to loving understanding. 
I quite like it. 

So,  in situations when I feel my temper rising, I am reminding myself I can chose a better feeling.

The second key thing, is giving thanks, every morning.  Again, I had done this in the past, but it had fallen by the wayside. At the opening ceremony, one of the teachers, Patricia St. Onge, led us in reciting a sort of prayer that she had learned from her Mohawk heritage. Find a link to similar one that I've kept in my meditation space for a few years, and have reactivated here: https://www.syracuseculturalworkers.com/products/poster-greetings-and-thanks-to-the-natural-world

Third thing I have realized I need to anchor this change, is time to myself. Whether it be 10 minutes of meditation in the morning or an hour long solitary walk, (preferably both).  I am finding that if I neglect this for more than a day I feel very much out of sorts. After a two or three days I start to feel and act like a martyr.  So this is now non-negotiable. One Joan of Arc is enough.

I'm sending out a big thank you to Tanya Henderson, Kanchan Dawn Hunter and everyone who participated in the California Women of Color Herbal Symposium for helping bring me back to myself. Using these practices, along with making conscious choices as to what I put into my body and mind, I feel the effect of attending this retreat will be with me for the long run.

Winter

I came into this world in January,  so one might think that I would be naturally inclined to love winter.  A regular Winter Queen like Jadis in the Chronicles of Narnia.   This, however, is not the case.  Fall, with it's crisp mornings, shorter days, and colorful leaves seems more exciting and dynamic to me.  Like it's building up to something.  Time to start wearing cozy sweaters and make soups for dinner. 

This is fine for a while but by January I usually start to feel restless, like I should be doing something.
Like maybe starting a new exercise regimen to lose the 10 pounds I inevitably always gain sometime between Christmas and Valentine's Day.  Or embarking on some big creative project, like reupholstering all the cushions for our patio chairs or finishing knitting the sweater I started about 8 years ago.  Problem is,  I just can't seem to get motivated, to gather the energy to do more than just the basics.  From there I tend to get depressed and feeling I must be some kind of a slacker.  I tend to do more sitting around, watching TV and eating out of boredom.  Which in turn makes me more depressed.  Avid reader that I am, I have come across articles about  SAD, or seasonal affective disorder, where as I under stand it, the difference in the amount of daylight between winter and other times of year causes some people to become depressed.  So it has crossed my mind that this is what is going on with me.

 Last week, though, I had a bit of an "aha moment"while taking a walk at Heather Farms, one of my favorite local gardens.  I first went there when my son was an infant but had not visited for a few years.  I began going there again, regularly,  at the end of this last summer.  When I first started back, the  entrance, ( my favorite part ) with it's culinary and medicinal herbs was in full bloom.  The plants in the huge rose garden were just about to reach their peak as well.  On subsequent visits I've seen the roses slowly fade along with the other flowering plants throughout the garden. Before this past week it had been about 3 weeks since my last visit.  So this time  as I walked through it,  I notice how very still the place had become, no riot of color, as in summer and fall, nothing in bloom at all,  no flitting birds.  Just calm. Still. Resting.  All the energy concentrated below ground being stored up for the coming growing season.

I started thinking about how natural and necessary this process is for all life.   In that moment I realized that there is nothing wrong with me.  I'm not slacker, (well, maybe compared to Martha Stewart or Beyonce I am, but in terms of most people...),  I don't have SAD, (we've had more sunny days than not this winter). But mainly,  I don't need to be down on myself because I can't "get motivated" right now.  It's ok, can hibernate.  I can do those things that nourish me and forget the rest for now.  Some things that feel right now are: sleeping in when I can, taking late afternoon walks with my son and finding cool things to photograph, ( the photos I've shared in this entry were taken during one of those walks),  gentle slow yoga sessions with a little meditation at the end, eating what I want when I'm hungry, looking at magazines, and browsing the art store without buying anything.   The last two are especially good because they inspire me and give me ideas for future creative endeavors.

 

Since coming to these realizations, and giving myself permission to be still it has been amazing how quickly the feeling of being depressed has lifted. I shouldn't be surprised though, should I?  Whenever we stop fighting nature, life just becomes so much easier.  So, I'll just be here storing up energy for my growing season,  see you in the Spring.