This is fine for a while but by January I usually start to feel restless, like I should be doing something.
Like maybe starting a new exercise regimen to lose the 10 pounds I inevitably always gain sometime between Christmas and Valentine's Day. Or embarking on some big creative project, like reupholstering all the cushions for our patio chairs or finishing knitting the sweater I started about 8 years ago. Problem is, I just can't seem to get motivated, to gather the energy to do more than just the basics. From there I tend to get depressed and feeling I must be some kind of a slacker. I tend to do more sitting around, watching TV and eating out of boredom. Which in turn makes me more depressed. Avid reader that I am, I have come across articles about SAD, or seasonal affective disorder, where as I under stand it, the difference in the amount of daylight between winter and other times of year causes some people to become depressed. So it has crossed my mind that this is what is going on with me.
Last week, though, I had a bit of an "aha moment"while taking a walk at Heather Farms, one of my favorite local gardens. I first went there when my son was an infant but had not visited for a few years. I began going there again, regularly, at the end of this last summer. When I first started back, the entrance, ( my favorite part ) with it's culinary and medicinal herbs was in full bloom. The plants in the huge rose garden were just about to reach their peak as well. On subsequent visits I've seen the roses slowly fade along with the other flowering plants throughout the garden. Before this past week it had been about 3 weeks since my last visit. So this time as I walked through it, I notice how very still the place had become, no riot of color, as in summer and fall, nothing in bloom at all, no flitting birds. Just calm. Still. Resting. All the energy concentrated below ground being stored up for the coming growing season.
I started thinking about how natural and necessary this process is for all life. In that moment I realized that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not slacker, (well, maybe compared to Martha Stewart or Beyonce I am, but in terms of most people...), I don't have SAD, (we've had more sunny days than not this winter). But mainly, I don't need to be down on myself because I can't "get motivated" right now. It's ok, can hibernate. I can do those things that nourish me and forget the rest for now. Some things that feel right now are: sleeping in when I can, taking late afternoon walks with my son and finding cool things to photograph, ( the photos I've shared in this entry were taken during one of those walks), gentle slow yoga sessions with a little meditation at the end, eating what I want when I'm hungry, looking at magazines, and browsing the art store without buying anything. The last two are especially good because they inspire me and give me ideas for future creative endeavors.
Since coming to these realizations, and giving myself permission to be still it has been amazing how quickly the feeling of being depressed has lifted. I shouldn't be surprised though, should I? Whenever we stop fighting nature, life just becomes so much easier. So, I'll just be here storing up energy for my growing season, see you in the Spring.
