The Only Thing Necessary For Evil To Triumph Is For Good Men (And Women) To Do Nothing

Let me just say from the start that her intent was not evil,-- quite the opposite, but her mindset was. Some people reading this may wonder what the big deal is.  It was an attempt at a compliment, clumsy, yes, but evil?  Anyway, I'll tell my story and let you all have your opinions on the matter.

Yesterday my son and I were strolling through the Farmer's Market in Marin.  We stopped at the mushroom vendors' table for an impromptu  math lesson on fractions, because we're homeschoolers and that how we roll.  While there, we sampled some Asian pears they were selling and decided to buy some.  As we were doing our transaction, the following exchange took place:

Vendor: "That your daughter?"

Me: "No, my son"

Vendor: "Ohhhh, beautiful hair. Your hair like that,"(flicks hand dismissively)"-- his hair sooo beautiful,-- sooo lucky."

Me: Blank stare, then tight smile and a remarkably violence-free, completed transaction, as she continued to gush in her native tongue and gesture to her partner about what a genetic bullet my son had dodged.

As we walked away, I continued to think about the ramifications of what had happened. The women casually gave my son a "compliment" while simultaneously dissing me.

I'd like to clarify that this is not the first time it's happened. Yesterday evening,  I realized it's not even the first time that this same woman has done that to us.  Neither my son nor I take anything people have to say about our hair personally. It's an opinion.  My son has been hearing the beautiful hair thing since the day he was born.  Literally, even at the hospital.  He finds the attention bizarre since in his mind it has nothing to do with him,  it just grows out of his head that way.  I began to think, however,  what if, the situation had been slightly different?  What if I had been with a daughter?  Someone who, due to her gender, will grow up more aware that people are often treated a certain way because of what their society has agreed is beautiful. What caused me to take pen to paper, so to speak, is that this lady truly thought what she was saying was a compliment.  Why would she or anyone with half a brain think that?  Of course the answer is staring us in the face, or should I say, is  not staring us in the face.  That's the problem.  I say that a system that makes a person feel unworthy based on how they look, or don't look in this case, is a form of evil.

 For as long as we have had print and other mass media as tools for information and entertainment, one very narrow standard of beauty has been held up as the ultimate to be achieved--by everyone. Regardless of any genetic predisposition to the contrary.  It's slowly changing,  you may say, but is it really?  We live in an age where just about every woman of color who comes into the public eye is first lauded for her unique beauty. Then, as she gains notoriety, we watch as she slowly morphs toward that thin-bodied, straight-haired, blond standard. (Shakira? Beyonce's new look, anyone?).  If she doesn't kowtow,  after the her newness wears off, we see less and less of her.  We live in a society where, comedian Chris Rock felt he needed to make a documentary call "Good Hair",  just  to help his daughter understand the corner into which we've allowed ourselves to be backed.   A society where a talented, drop dead gorgeous woman, like Viola Davis, can stun the press into a frenzy simply by showing up to an awards show sporting her hair the way it grows out of her head.   Last month she again made headlines, on the Huffington Post, for simply appearing on the cover of Essence,--a periodical written for Black women, wearing her natural hair!  If you don't find that ludicrous,  just imagine this headline: "Angelina Jolie Stuns Oscar Crowd By Sporting Brown Wavy Hair On Red Carpet!".  While in a way it's a step forward for the Huffington Post to acknowledge her beauty, and give voice to her desire to raise her daughter with a healthy attitude towards her hair.  Wouldn't it be nice if that wasn't an issue at all, her beauty wasn't painted as shocking, and she was simply being interviewed about her work as an actress? Don't misunderstand me, I'm not putting down any one's choice of hair style, including the above mentioned.  After all, political and societal implications aside, how people decide to wear their hair comes down to what makes them feel comfortable.  If a person is appears comfortable in their own skin, (or hair in this case), other people tend to mind their own business.  Seeing yourself reflected in popular media can go a long way towards facilitating that comfort. It's just painful  to see that so many women have been made to feel less than, by a culture that values the attributes that they have, (curvy bodies, dark skin, full lips, thick curly hair),  just not on them.

Madison Avenue seems to be beginning to understand that people come in all colors, shapes, sizes and hair textures.  That they will more readily spend their money with companies that bother to represent them in their ad campaigns.  Hollywood,  however,  just keeps missing the memo.  Call me silly, but would it kill them to show the girl with the Afro making everybody swoon,  just once?  The argument that the American people just aren't ready, needs to be retired.  As the girl with the Afro, who regularly gets genuine complements on her hair from men and women of all ages and races, I am here to tell them that people are more ready than TV and  movie studio executives think.   Furthermore, if the successes of shows like Modern Family and Dexter have taught those who control the images we see anything, it's that audiences are malleable, and will watch a well written show as long as it is entertaining.

There is nothing more effective at changing collective consciousness than a prevalent media presence. Oprah, for example.  When she started out, afternoon talk shows were mainly hosted by males and watched mainly by women.  Now the genre is much more varied, as is it's audience, and nobody thinks anything of it.  That's just how things are. While I must note, that YouTube tutorials, and  online forums on sites such as Curly Nikki, have helped build understanding and self-love within the community of women with Afro textured hair.  The mainstream media could play an important role in healing old wounds and stopping people like the vendor I described here from inflicting new ones,  simply by broadening what it presents as being beautiful.   So what can be done to make sure this happens, you say?  Lots.   Educate your children not to deride someone for rockin' their hair as is.   If you've got it, and you think you might like to flaunt, but you're not sure, go head on.  I and millions of others support you.   Refuse to support companies and individuals that fail to see that the standard they are upholding is hurtful.  Speak up, with love,  to those who perpetuate the tired belief that only a select group of people with narrowly defined physical characteristics are beautiful. ( I know the next time mushroom lady opens her mouth in my son's presence, she's gonna get an education, lose a customer, or both) Lastly,  let Hollywood know what's up.  Go to the opening day of movies that represent women of color and their beauty in a positive and inclusive light.  Refuse to attend those that have a narrow view of what's beautiful. The more of us that do this,  the sooner things will change.