On Resistance, Hope, and Taking Sides

I'm tired.

Tired of being angry, tired of trying to figure out who my enemies are and how to get the best of them.

Tired of trying to figure out who my allies are and if they truly are to be trusted.

Something has got to give.

 Like many of you out there I lost my shit when the results of the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election came in. Disbelief. Outrage. Fear. Grief. My emotions ran the gamut.  It wasn't really a wake up call, since I've always been politically aware to some degree. Just a shock.

Being a child of the 60’s and 70’s, my first impulse was to join my voice with others in the streets, to “fight the power”. Literally marching forward, to try to keep the progress that I felt our nation has made, was what my inclination and reaction were. My second impulse was to try to understand. I know that a lot of liberal people like myself, would go listen to Fox News or other conservative media to try to get a picture of the other side. Keep your friends close, but enemies even closer, and all that. Tuning into any one-sided media really doesn't work for me. So, I continued reacting to the moment by moment ticker-tape of increasingly alarming developments. Making phone calls, signing petitions, talking to like-minded people.

 However, over the ensuing weeks and months, some quiet thoughts that have been at the back of my mind for quite some time have gently but insistently pushed their way to the front.

The first one that kind of surfaced was; "Is this how the other side has been feeling for the past 8 years? If so, I feel sincerely sorry for them, because this is a terrible way to live!"

The second thought was, empires fall. They do. The British, the Spanish, the Moors, Rome. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Pretending that our current empire/societal structure is an exception is just denial.

So what to do with all these persistent thoughts and feelings? I'm know I'm not alone in watching in disgust as Facebook turns into a dogmatically polarized forum. We know we have a choices. We can opt out entirely, keep our post apolitical, join in the vitriolic name calling and finger-pointing, or participate in a thoughtful, hopefully uplifting way. I admit it’s easier to ignore the politics and keep posting recipes, pictures of cute kids and animals. But that's not for me, either.

So, digressing for a moment here, I had made a conscious commitment right after the election, which held for about month or so until I broke it. Because I'll admit, I'm a hothead, a natural-born smart ass. But about 2 weeks ago I recommitted, and I'm glad.
My decision was that number one: I would stay away from Facebook and Twitter's “trending” topics. Sorry y'all, but it's a time suck and more often than not I end up pissed and feeling helpless. That's not how I want to spend my time.
More importantly, I decided that when confronted by a hostile response from a stranger to something I've said online, I wouldn't respond in kind. Rather than ramp up the argument and try to “win”, I'd do the following. I’d offer to 'Friend' the person and speak to them one on one. You know, like adults did in the old days when they had a difference of opinion.

 So far I've done it twice.  The first time was right after the election.  I spent the greater part of the day speaking with a friend of a friend who had voted for Trump. What I found was that he was a smart, funny, engaging person with real feelings and that we had similar life experiences. But as I mentioned, old habits die hard. Time passed and I fell of the wagon and succumbed a bit to the general reactionary climate. Until about 2 weeks ago when another opportunity for deeper mutual understanding arose.

My partner this time was from another state and was cautious, but open to dialog. She and I have been talking back and forth, not about politics, but about things we have in common such as our shared love of travel.  Both instances were very humanizing encounters. I find myself thinking about these two people as individuals when I get angry about what's happening in our country. Bringing back what has always been in my mind: that no matter how it is expressed, we all have the same basic needs and desires. Basically they are food, shelter, and love. What we do to obtain them is where it gets tangled. Keeping in mind that basic need has served me well over and over again.

What else do I do in response to the time in which we're living?
I shift the focus from the external world to the internal one.  I’ve been honing a meditation practice with varying degrees of "success" for about  25 years. As I get older, I find it's much easier to see the big picture for humanity when I understand myself.

Getting quiet every day helps with that. What I see is that life is not strictly linear as depicted in history books. To quote the writers of one of my favorite shows, Doctor Who,- The Tenth Doctor: " People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a nonlinear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff." I like that, but to me it seems even more of a Fibonacci spiral, with ideas and actions starting as starting small, growing and then dissipating out.

Something I recently heard Oprah say has deeply resonated with me, in regard to how I aim to be right now.   With this ridiculously long sentence, I'll give you the gist of it; going forward, it’s to my advantage to get clear on what my vision is for my place in the world, to consider whether the intentions behind my actions line up with this vision, and to remember Newton’s 3rd law: that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. With no guarantee of how or when that reaction will show up.

It is for these reasons that I consider very carefully what I resist and what form that resistance takes.

More often than not it’s taking the form of creation rather than reaction and direct resistance. I'm seeing the results of the actions of others with this mindset out in the world, and I find these actions feel like a step in the right direction.
For me, I keep coming back the inescapable reality that we are all on this big, round planet, Earth, together. We flourish or we perish, together. So, I’m going to continue to try not to get wrapped up in who is right and who is wrong. Because, simply put, there are no sides to a circle.

Just A Thought For Today

Hello. I know it's been a while since I posted here.  Did you miss me? I've been busy with my day to day life, and traveling, much like many of you out there.  Also, I've been doing a lot of personal/spiritual work on  myself this year. Because, if you think about it, if you don't 'fill the well', to quote Julia Cameron's book,  The Artist's Way, you won't have anything to offer people.  

Anyhoo--(that's my word of the week, much to my son's annoyance).  During meditation this morning, ( because, let's be honest, isn't that when all earth shaking thoughts come?), The following thought came to me:

I spend so much time reacting to the world around me. It leaves me angry and tired a lot of the time. That's not how I want to live.

Today I'm going to experiment with the advice The Beatles offered, and let it be.  

That's all. Join me if you like. Please tell me in the comments section how it was for you? Was it hard to remember to do it? How did you feel? 

I'll share later in the week how it was for me.

Keeping the Fire

Two weekends ago, I attended the first ever California Women of Color Herbal Symposium.  My first impulse was to come home and blog about it right away. But then I thought, "Let me just sit back a minute and let it sink in".  So often, we as people will experience something wondrous, and immediately declare it life changing, only to find that a few days later, it was not.  Within a short period of time we are back to our old patterns.

At the symposium, I was able to get back to some things I have loved and really missed doing. To study plant medicine, exchange knowledge and give thanks for all the beauty that surrounds me.  To sit in complete silence by a river. Something I haven't really done since I was a teen.  To be with people who get this journey I'm on, without having to explain myself or apologize for being who I am. Through the Rite of the Womb, led by Melbra Watts, to be able to contemplate what I want in my life and what I don't.  There at the river I experienced the freedom to let go of what was no longer serving me.  

Prior to the retreat I had a pretty healthy diet which I already begun to transform even further to suit my needs.  The meals at the symposium were amazingly delicious, vegetarian and sometimes vegan meals, exclusively, and really showed me what I had forgotten was possible.

Immediately upon returning home, I experienced a transformation in my relationships with my husband and son, quite to their delight, I might add.  Creatively, I found myself inspired and my mind inundated with fresh ideas. In the back of my mind, though, was a slight fear of losing this feeling. The threat of returning to the status quo. I have decided, however, that this doesn't need to happen. I also thought for this blog entry, that rather than rehash in detail what I experienced at the herbal symposium, it would be more helpful to talk about how I am keeping my momentum.

The main thing I am doing when the temptation arises to fall into old habits with family, is remember what it felt like to see their faces when I shifted from criticism to loving understanding. 
I quite like it. 

So,  in situations when I feel my temper rising, I am reminding myself I can chose a better feeling.

The second key thing, is giving thanks, every morning.  Again, I had done this in the past, but it had fallen by the wayside. At the opening ceremony, one of the teachers, Patricia St. Onge, led us in reciting a sort of prayer that she had learned from her Mohawk heritage. Find a link to similar one that I've kept in my meditation space for a few years, and have reactivated here: https://www.syracuseculturalworkers.com/products/poster-greetings-and-thanks-to-the-natural-world

Third thing I have realized I need to anchor this change, is time to myself. Whether it be 10 minutes of meditation in the morning or an hour long solitary walk, (preferably both).  I am finding that if I neglect this for more than a day I feel very much out of sorts. After a two or three days I start to feel and act like a martyr.  So this is now non-negotiable. One Joan of Arc is enough.

I'm sending out a big thank you to Tanya Henderson, Kanchan Dawn Hunter and everyone who participated in the California Women of Color Herbal Symposium for helping bring me back to myself. Using these practices, along with making conscious choices as to what I put into my body and mind, I feel the effect of attending this retreat will be with me for the long run.

There's A Lesson Here Somewhere

I'm gonna keep it short this time out.  I had just about talked myself out of taking my morning walk 2 days ago.  "It's too late to go for and early walk", "I'll do a big hike on Friday", (I did not), "All my nice yoga pants are dirty".  Nevertheless, I headed out anyway.   I had been walking for about 10 minutes, when I saw something shiny out of the corner of my eye, and because that's all it takes to distract me, I stopped to investigate.  I almost laughed out loud when I saw what it was, --a golden egg.

So naturally, I paused to look around for hidden cameras before I hesitantly picked it up. Since it was so close to Easter and it felt so light, I assumed it had been emptied and cast off by an careless egg hunter.  I walked another hundred yards before I even bothered to open it.  Imagine my delight upon discovering it's contents:

Perception is Everything

(This  blog entry was originally made back in July 2014, and for whatever reason, recently I found it was no longer on my page so I'm reposting it.)

Sitting here in this chair on my deck in the sun, periodically adjusting the umbrella when it get's too intense; I miss my Mom.  Technically, my grandmother, as she was my father's mother; but as she raised me,--she was mom.   All of this first spring without her, I have sat in "her" spots in the back yard.  The ones I constantly had to shade with the umbrella, or coerce her to move from,  often moments away from disaster.

You see, she was 102 when she passed from this world last October, and for the last 9 years of her life, she lived with my family and me.  Her favorite thing in the world, (well, besides flowers and baked potatoes), was to be warm.  And where better to do that than in the California sun which beams brightly on our backyard for a majority of the year? Only problem was,--when she got too hot, she fainted.  But she didn't care.  As soon as she had dressed and finished breakfast each morning, out she would go to the deck, to sit in the sun and read, and later, when her eyesight was failing, just to sit in the sun.  More times than I can count, I came upon her just as she was losing consciousness from the heat.  She went to the hospital on more than one occasion, when I came out too late.  She always recovered,  with no memory of what had happened. So, as I have been basking in the sun these days, missing her; I have come to appreciate the risk she took.  I get it.  Sometimes doing what you love is worth the risk.

Now, to zero in on the point of this post and acknowledge that my mom is only one of many loved ones that have recently departed from this plane.  In the last 5 years, we have "lost": my father, 2 of my aunts, both my husband's grandmother and her mother, and all three of our dogs.  Each one, whether human or not, had a special place in our hearts and lives.  My mother, my husband's great grandmother, and our final beloved dog all have died within the last nine months.  Additionally, my father's sister is ailing and a my maternal grandmother has inoperable breast cancer and is declining despite having been quite well for a year.

There have been times recently when my husband and I have looked at each other and just said, "please, no more, it's too much to take."

These experiences have done two things for me.  They have given me the kick in the pants that I needed to be serious about getting fit again, so that, hopefully; I can live to a ripe old age in good health, (more on that in my next entry).  Secondly, they have gotten me to really begin thinking about this thing we call loss.

Two days after our dog died, I was walking with some members of GirlTrek, (a fitness group that I belong to), and I had a bit of an epiphany.  As people often do when talking to someone who has lost a pet, one of the women asked if I was going to get another dog.  I said,  "no, not right away", and she went on to say that she was holding off on bringing another pet home because she couldn't stand the feeling of loss when they pass.  To a certain extent I agreed with her, --the feeling of having a piece missing, can be so hard to bear.  But as we continued walking and talking I came to the conclusion that, to quote Tennyson, " 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.", and I expressed this sentiment to her.  These thoughts may or may not have come into being due to a recently renewed meditation practice, and an interest in exploring the concept of non-attachment. Nevertheless, they were real and new to me.

Upon further reflection, I began to think about people who have lost much 'more' than a pet, say their spouses, homes; or as has recently happened to an old friend and also to a cousin of mine, their child.  How do they go on? How do they cope?    

What came to me that day was that my mindset on the situation was in error.  Even with all the evidence to the contrary, I have been acting like objects and people are permanent, and that furthurmore, they are something that we can actually possess, --that we are capable of losing.  That maybe infants are onto something and perhaps Piaget should have kept his observations to himself...  But seriously,  but then and there  on that trail, I realized that all the pain of loss stems from these two beliefs or feelings.  As I walked on, a sense of calm and gratitude swept over me.  I realized that if I thought of my time with my dog as a gift, a happy accident, I could be grateful for the time that I had with her.   

So now, lately, as my emotions catch up with my intellect and I stop waiting for my mom to return from wherever it is she has been since October.   I become fully cognizant of the new reality of our family unit and sometimes a sad, helplessness, creeps in.  At these times, I actually start thinking about what I could have done differently,  how I could have "saved" her. I have to say to myself, almost out loud, "it's done."  It's been hard, but getting easier to shift to being grateful for the blessing that she was in my life for almost 50 years and to how fortunate we were that our souls crossed paths. This emerging new way of thinking has cleared a path for me to be able to be with my remaining grandmother in the moments that we have left and just enjoy her; rather than avoiding contact in order to steel myself against yet another perceived impending loss. I think that in the end we all are better served by this shift.

Pride Goeth Before A Fail

I admit that this last year I haven't exactly been the picture of the Mamma Who's Got It All Together.  It has been a rough one, with caring for my paternal grandmother in her last days, continuing homeschooling our son, and helping my husband navigate what turning 40 means to him,--fashion has fallen by the wayside.  Today, in a effort to put all that behind me and turn over a new leaf.  I spent a little extra time getting ready.  I donned the good yoga pants and jacket, put a little product in my hair, even paid a some attention to my eyebrows.  Then off I went out into the public.  I went to the County Recorder, then to a lawyer's office to drop something off.  It wasn't until I stopped to get a little exercise  on the waterfront that I caught a glimpse of my reflection in my car window and I noticed my mismatched earrings...  This is not the first time I have done this.  This is not even the first time this month, I have done this.  Well, I whipped them off and went on about my business.   When I came home I took off my jacket before going to take out the recycling. It was out there that I offered some advice to a neighbor who is suffering from arthritis. I quickly went inside to get her a bottle of suppliments that had worked for my grandmother and several friends. When I returned, we talked at the bottom of my stairs for a few minutes and then parted ways.  Upon returning to my entryway I caught yet another glimpse of myself in the mirror there.   It was only then that I noticed my embroidered shirt was on inside out. Sigh.

The Only Thing Necessary For Evil To Triumph Is For Good Men (And Women) To Do Nothing

Let me just say from the start that her intent was not evil,-- quite the opposite, but her mindset was. Some people reading this may wonder what the big deal is.  It was an attempt at a compliment, clumsy, yes, but evil?  Anyway, I'll tell my story and let you all have your opinions on the matter.

Yesterday my son and I were strolling through the Farmer's Market in Marin.  We stopped at the mushroom vendors' table for an impromptu  math lesson on fractions, because we're homeschoolers and that how we roll.  While there, we sampled some Asian pears they were selling and decided to buy some.  As we were doing our transaction, the following exchange took place:

Vendor: "That your daughter?"

Me: "No, my son"

Vendor: "Ohhhh, beautiful hair. Your hair like that,"(flicks hand dismissively)"-- his hair sooo beautiful,-- sooo lucky."

Me: Blank stare, then tight smile and a remarkably violence-free, completed transaction, as she continued to gush in her native tongue and gesture to her partner about what a genetic bullet my son had dodged.

As we walked away, I continued to think about the ramifications of what had happened. The women casually gave my son a "compliment" while simultaneously dissing me.

I'd like to clarify that this is not the first time it's happened. Yesterday evening,  I realized it's not even the first time that this same woman has done that to us.  Neither my son nor I take anything people have to say about our hair personally. It's an opinion.  My son has been hearing the beautiful hair thing since the day he was born.  Literally, even at the hospital.  He finds the attention bizarre since in his mind it has nothing to do with him,  it just grows out of his head that way.  I began to think, however,  what if, the situation had been slightly different?  What if I had been with a daughter?  Someone who, due to her gender, will grow up more aware that people are often treated a certain way because of what their society has agreed is beautiful. What caused me to take pen to paper, so to speak, is that this lady truly thought what she was saying was a compliment.  Why would she or anyone with half a brain think that?  Of course the answer is staring us in the face, or should I say, is  not staring us in the face.  That's the problem.  I say that a system that makes a person feel unworthy based on how they look, or don't look in this case, is a form of evil.

 For as long as we have had print and other mass media as tools for information and entertainment, one very narrow standard of beauty has been held up as the ultimate to be achieved--by everyone. Regardless of any genetic predisposition to the contrary.  It's slowly changing,  you may say, but is it really?  We live in an age where just about every woman of color who comes into the public eye is first lauded for her unique beauty. Then, as she gains notoriety, we watch as she slowly morphs toward that thin-bodied, straight-haired, blond standard. (Shakira? Beyonce's new look, anyone?).  If she doesn't kowtow,  after the her newness wears off, we see less and less of her.  We live in a society where, comedian Chris Rock felt he needed to make a documentary call "Good Hair",  just  to help his daughter understand the corner into which we've allowed ourselves to be backed.   A society where a talented, drop dead gorgeous woman, like Viola Davis, can stun the press into a frenzy simply by showing up to an awards show sporting her hair the way it grows out of her head.   Last month she again made headlines, on the Huffington Post, for simply appearing on the cover of Essence,--a periodical written for Black women, wearing her natural hair!  If you don't find that ludicrous,  just imagine this headline: "Angelina Jolie Stuns Oscar Crowd By Sporting Brown Wavy Hair On Red Carpet!".  While in a way it's a step forward for the Huffington Post to acknowledge her beauty, and give voice to her desire to raise her daughter with a healthy attitude towards her hair.  Wouldn't it be nice if that wasn't an issue at all, her beauty wasn't painted as shocking, and she was simply being interviewed about her work as an actress? Don't misunderstand me, I'm not putting down any one's choice of hair style, including the above mentioned.  After all, political and societal implications aside, how people decide to wear their hair comes down to what makes them feel comfortable.  If a person is appears comfortable in their own skin, (or hair in this case), other people tend to mind their own business.  Seeing yourself reflected in popular media can go a long way towards facilitating that comfort. It's just painful  to see that so many women have been made to feel less than, by a culture that values the attributes that they have, (curvy bodies, dark skin, full lips, thick curly hair),  just not on them.

Madison Avenue seems to be beginning to understand that people come in all colors, shapes, sizes and hair textures.  That they will more readily spend their money with companies that bother to represent them in their ad campaigns.  Hollywood,  however,  just keeps missing the memo.  Call me silly, but would it kill them to show the girl with the Afro making everybody swoon,  just once?  The argument that the American people just aren't ready, needs to be retired.  As the girl with the Afro, who regularly gets genuine complements on her hair from men and women of all ages and races, I am here to tell them that people are more ready than TV and  movie studio executives think.   Furthermore, if the successes of shows like Modern Family and Dexter have taught those who control the images we see anything, it's that audiences are malleable, and will watch a well written show as long as it is entertaining.

There is nothing more effective at changing collective consciousness than a prevalent media presence. Oprah, for example.  When she started out, afternoon talk shows were mainly hosted by males and watched mainly by women.  Now the genre is much more varied, as is it's audience, and nobody thinks anything of it.  That's just how things are. While I must note, that YouTube tutorials, and  online forums on sites such as Curly Nikki, have helped build understanding and self-love within the community of women with Afro textured hair.  The mainstream media could play an important role in healing old wounds and stopping people like the vendor I described here from inflicting new ones,  simply by broadening what it presents as being beautiful.   So what can be done to make sure this happens, you say?  Lots.   Educate your children not to deride someone for rockin' their hair as is.   If you've got it, and you think you might like to flaunt, but you're not sure, go head on.  I and millions of others support you.   Refuse to support companies and individuals that fail to see that the standard they are upholding is hurtful.  Speak up, with love,  to those who perpetuate the tired belief that only a select group of people with narrowly defined physical characteristics are beautiful. ( I know the next time mushroom lady opens her mouth in my son's presence, she's gonna get an education, lose a customer, or both) Lastly,  let Hollywood know what's up.  Go to the opening day of movies that represent women of color and their beauty in a positive and inclusive light.  Refuse to attend those that have a narrow view of what's beautiful. The more of us that do this,  the sooner things will change.