Keeping the Fire

Two weekends ago, I attended the first ever California Women of Color Herbal Symposium.  My first impulse was to come home and blog about it right away. But then I thought, "Let me just sit back a minute and let it sink in".  So often, we as people will experience something wondrous, and immediately declare it life changing, only to find that a few days later, it was not.  Within a short period of time we are back to our old patterns.

At the symposium, I was able to get back to some things I have loved and really missed doing. To study plant medicine, exchange knowledge and give thanks for all the beauty that surrounds me.  To sit in complete silence by a river. Something I haven't really done since I was a teen.  To be with people who get this journey I'm on, without having to explain myself or apologize for being who I am. Through the Rite of the Womb, led by Melbra Watts, to be able to contemplate what I want in my life and what I don't.  There at the river I experienced the freedom to let go of what was no longer serving me.  

Prior to the retreat I had a pretty healthy diet which I already begun to transform even further to suit my needs.  The meals at the symposium were amazingly delicious, vegetarian and sometimes vegan meals, exclusively, and really showed me what I had forgotten was possible.

Immediately upon returning home, I experienced a transformation in my relationships with my husband and son, quite to their delight, I might add.  Creatively, I found myself inspired and my mind inundated with fresh ideas. In the back of my mind, though, was a slight fear of losing this feeling. The threat of returning to the status quo. I have decided, however, that this doesn't need to happen. I also thought for this blog entry, that rather than rehash in detail what I experienced at the herbal symposium, it would be more helpful to talk about how I am keeping my momentum.

The main thing I am doing when the temptation arises to fall into old habits with family, is remember what it felt like to see their faces when I shifted from criticism to loving understanding. 
I quite like it. 

So,  in situations when I feel my temper rising, I am reminding myself I can chose a better feeling.

The second key thing, is giving thanks, every morning.  Again, I had done this in the past, but it had fallen by the wayside. At the opening ceremony, one of the teachers, Patricia St. Onge, led us in reciting a sort of prayer that she had learned from her Mohawk heritage. Find a link to similar one that I've kept in my meditation space for a few years, and have reactivated here: https://www.syracuseculturalworkers.com/products/poster-greetings-and-thanks-to-the-natural-world

Third thing I have realized I need to anchor this change, is time to myself. Whether it be 10 minutes of meditation in the morning or an hour long solitary walk, (preferably both).  I am finding that if I neglect this for more than a day I feel very much out of sorts. After a two or three days I start to feel and act like a martyr.  So this is now non-negotiable. One Joan of Arc is enough.

I'm sending out a big thank you to Tanya Henderson, Kanchan Dawn Hunter and everyone who participated in the California Women of Color Herbal Symposium for helping bring me back to myself. Using these practices, along with making conscious choices as to what I put into my body and mind, I feel the effect of attending this retreat will be with me for the long run.

The Only Thing Necessary For Evil To Triumph Is For Good Men (And Women) To Do Nothing

Let me just say from the start that her intent was not evil,-- quite the opposite, but her mindset was. Some people reading this may wonder what the big deal is.  It was an attempt at a compliment, clumsy, yes, but evil?  Anyway, I'll tell my story and let you all have your opinions on the matter.

Yesterday my son and I were strolling through the Farmer's Market in Marin.  We stopped at the mushroom vendors' table for an impromptu  math lesson on fractions, because we're homeschoolers and that how we roll.  While there, we sampled some Asian pears they were selling and decided to buy some.  As we were doing our transaction, the following exchange took place:

Vendor: "That your daughter?"

Me: "No, my son"

Vendor: "Ohhhh, beautiful hair. Your hair like that,"(flicks hand dismissively)"-- his hair sooo beautiful,-- sooo lucky."

Me: Blank stare, then tight smile and a remarkably violence-free, completed transaction, as she continued to gush in her native tongue and gesture to her partner about what a genetic bullet my son had dodged.

As we walked away, I continued to think about the ramifications of what had happened. The women casually gave my son a "compliment" while simultaneously dissing me.

I'd like to clarify that this is not the first time it's happened. Yesterday evening,  I realized it's not even the first time that this same woman has done that to us.  Neither my son nor I take anything people have to say about our hair personally. It's an opinion.  My son has been hearing the beautiful hair thing since the day he was born.  Literally, even at the hospital.  He finds the attention bizarre since in his mind it has nothing to do with him,  it just grows out of his head that way.  I began to think, however,  what if, the situation had been slightly different?  What if I had been with a daughter?  Someone who, due to her gender, will grow up more aware that people are often treated a certain way because of what their society has agreed is beautiful. What caused me to take pen to paper, so to speak, is that this lady truly thought what she was saying was a compliment.  Why would she or anyone with half a brain think that?  Of course the answer is staring us in the face, or should I say, is  not staring us in the face.  That's the problem.  I say that a system that makes a person feel unworthy based on how they look, or don't look in this case, is a form of evil.

 For as long as we have had print and other mass media as tools for information and entertainment, one very narrow standard of beauty has been held up as the ultimate to be achieved--by everyone. Regardless of any genetic predisposition to the contrary.  It's slowly changing,  you may say, but is it really?  We live in an age where just about every woman of color who comes into the public eye is first lauded for her unique beauty. Then, as she gains notoriety, we watch as she slowly morphs toward that thin-bodied, straight-haired, blond standard. (Shakira? Beyonce's new look, anyone?).  If she doesn't kowtow,  after the her newness wears off, we see less and less of her.  We live in a society where, comedian Chris Rock felt he needed to make a documentary call "Good Hair",  just  to help his daughter understand the corner into which we've allowed ourselves to be backed.   A society where a talented, drop dead gorgeous woman, like Viola Davis, can stun the press into a frenzy simply by showing up to an awards show sporting her hair the way it grows out of her head.   Last month she again made headlines, on the Huffington Post, for simply appearing on the cover of Essence,--a periodical written for Black women, wearing her natural hair!  If you don't find that ludicrous,  just imagine this headline: "Angelina Jolie Stuns Oscar Crowd By Sporting Brown Wavy Hair On Red Carpet!".  While in a way it's a step forward for the Huffington Post to acknowledge her beauty, and give voice to her desire to raise her daughter with a healthy attitude towards her hair.  Wouldn't it be nice if that wasn't an issue at all, her beauty wasn't painted as shocking, and she was simply being interviewed about her work as an actress? Don't misunderstand me, I'm not putting down any one's choice of hair style, including the above mentioned.  After all, political and societal implications aside, how people decide to wear their hair comes down to what makes them feel comfortable.  If a person is appears comfortable in their own skin, (or hair in this case), other people tend to mind their own business.  Seeing yourself reflected in popular media can go a long way towards facilitating that comfort. It's just painful  to see that so many women have been made to feel less than, by a culture that values the attributes that they have, (curvy bodies, dark skin, full lips, thick curly hair),  just not on them.

Madison Avenue seems to be beginning to understand that people come in all colors, shapes, sizes and hair textures.  That they will more readily spend their money with companies that bother to represent them in their ad campaigns.  Hollywood,  however,  just keeps missing the memo.  Call me silly, but would it kill them to show the girl with the Afro making everybody swoon,  just once?  The argument that the American people just aren't ready, needs to be retired.  As the girl with the Afro, who regularly gets genuine complements on her hair from men and women of all ages and races, I am here to tell them that people are more ready than TV and  movie studio executives think.   Furthermore, if the successes of shows like Modern Family and Dexter have taught those who control the images we see anything, it's that audiences are malleable, and will watch a well written show as long as it is entertaining.

There is nothing more effective at changing collective consciousness than a prevalent media presence. Oprah, for example.  When she started out, afternoon talk shows were mainly hosted by males and watched mainly by women.  Now the genre is much more varied, as is it's audience, and nobody thinks anything of it.  That's just how things are. While I must note, that YouTube tutorials, and  online forums on sites such as Curly Nikki, have helped build understanding and self-love within the community of women with Afro textured hair.  The mainstream media could play an important role in healing old wounds and stopping people like the vendor I described here from inflicting new ones,  simply by broadening what it presents as being beautiful.   So what can be done to make sure this happens, you say?  Lots.   Educate your children not to deride someone for rockin' their hair as is.   If you've got it, and you think you might like to flaunt, but you're not sure, go head on.  I and millions of others support you.   Refuse to support companies and individuals that fail to see that the standard they are upholding is hurtful.  Speak up, with love,  to those who perpetuate the tired belief that only a select group of people with narrowly defined physical characteristics are beautiful. ( I know the next time mushroom lady opens her mouth in my son's presence, she's gonna get an education, lose a customer, or both) Lastly,  let Hollywood know what's up.  Go to the opening day of movies that represent women of color and their beauty in a positive and inclusive light.  Refuse to attend those that have a narrow view of what's beautiful. The more of us that do this,  the sooner things will change.